Al-Baqara, or “The Cow” is the second Surah of the Quran. It’s the longest surah with 286 verses. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what it’s about because the author jumps back and forth between topics like a rabid squirrel. A lot of of it seems to be self-glazing where Allah emphasizes just how freaking awesome he is and how much of a stupid meanie-head and loser everyone is who doesn’t like him. Between that are random out-of-context stories and laws on random topics mixed in. All in all this surah reads like the ramblings of a schizophrenic patient in a mental institute. So many things are out of context that it is pretty much impossible to understand what is going on unless you have this previous knowledge. All in all it haphazardly changes topic at least 68 times.

This chapter is massive with 286 verses. So this article will be long. I’ll try to cut out as much text as possible to keep it shorter.

[TOC]

1

Surah 2: 1

Alif-Lãm-Mĩm.

We start off strong with some cryptic letters that no one knows what they means. So much for the the Quran being “clear and easy to understand.”

2-4

Surah 2:2-4

This is the Book! There is no doubt about it—

It seems the author has hear about the concept of “convincing” but didn’t understand what it meant. It seems quite often in the muslim community that they think that “trust me bro” is an authoritative source reference.

a guide for those mindful ˹of Allah˺,

It spells out the purpose of the Quran: An instruction manual. This is something many muslims misunderstand about the Bible, which is not some kind of instruction manual.

who believe in the unseen, establish prayer, and donate from what We have provided for them,

Muslims establish prayer and donate, which are works. Islam is a works based religion where you try to earn brownie points with Allah. But exactly how many points are sufficient and what your score is is unknown. Therefore a Muslim can do good works all their lives and never be assured of salvation. In Christianity, we are assured of salvation, not because of what we do but because of what Jesus did. It relieves us of the uncertainty.

and who believe in what has been revealed to you ˹O Prophet˺ and what was revealed before you, and have sure faith in the Hereafter.

Those who believe in Muhammad should also believe in what was revealed before him, that is the Bible and it’s prophets. The Quran tells Muslims to believe the Bible, but the Muslims tells me that the Bible has been corrupted. Whom should I trust? Allah, or the Muslims who say Allah is wrong? See “The Islamic dilemma”.

5-7

Surah 2: 5-7

It is they who are ˹truly˺ guided by their Lord, and it is they who will be successful…

The Quran often use terms like successful and losers like it was written by a 14 year old. But it emphasises the works righteousness aspect. You are counted as successful or not based on what you do.

Allah has set a seal on their hearts and on their hearing, and over their sight is a veil; for for them is a great punishment.

Discussing unbelievers, it says that Allah has set a seal on their hearts and on their hearing, and over their sight is a veil, in other words they are predestined to hell, and there is no one to blame but Allah.

This sounds like Calvinism, which I often say is the Islam of Christianity. It paints God as an evil, twisted trixter who plays games with people.

8-20

Surah 2:8-20

And of mankind are those who say, “We have attained faith in Allah and in the Last Day,” but they are not believers… In their hearts is sickness, so Allah increased their sickness, and for them is a painful punishment on account of how they used to lie.

New topic: False believers.

Discussing fake believers, Allah is not exactly helping them, but making their condition worse, so he can punish them.

…Allah took away their light and left them in darkness(es) , unable to see … Or like a cloudburst from the sky in which are darkness(es) and thunder and lightning. They put their fingers into their ears against the thunderbolts, in fear of death … The lightning almost snatches their sight(s) away; whenever it illuminates for them, they walk in it. But when it darkens over them, they stand(still).

Rather than helping them, Allah is deliberately taking away their light and leaving them in darkness, terrifying them, like a cat plays with it’s prey.

21-22

Surah 2:21-22

New topic: Encouraging worship of Allah.

23

Surah 2:23

And if you are in doubt about what We have bestowed upon Our servant from on high, then bring a single surah of its like, and call your witnesses apart from Allah if you are truthful.

New topic: Literary excellence as a test for authenticity.

This famous claim that the Quran is the word of Allah because of its supposed literary excellence is a really weird condition for divine inspiration. I mean, in that case any half decent poet is more inspired than Allah and Muhammad.

But let’s provide a Surah better than what we’ve seen so far. It doesn’t have to rhyme, just sound pretty. So how about this:

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

I put it to you that any chapter in the Bible or even any decent poetry book is better than any Surah of the Quran.

24

Surah 2:24

be mindful of the Fire whose fuel is people and stones; it has been prepared for the deniers.

New topic: Hell

Apparently hell is fueled by people? And stones? In the Bible hellfire does not need fuel. Also in the Bible hell is not prepared for humans but for the satan and the demons. Humans were not supposed to go to hell but it’s just an unfortunate side effect of rejecting God. But in Islam hell is made specifically to torture humans, and as we learned, Allah is deliberately causing people to go to hell.

25

Surah 2:25

And give glad tidings to those who have attained faith and have done righteous deeds: that for them are Gardens beneath which rivers flow. Whenever they are provided with any produce therefrom as provision, they say, “This is what we were provided with before,” and they are brought(them) in(perfect) resemblance. And for them are cleansed spouses therein, and therein they abide.

Notice that the fruits you get in paradise all taste the same. To be fair, eating the same thing for eternity sounds like a hell in itself.

And of course sex. Can’t forget that sex is a central point in Islam. Even in the afterlife you need spouses. While in the Bible it is said that there will be no marriage or sex in heaven, in Islam, sex in paradise is a requirement.

Tell me your religion was invented by a sex crazed horndog without saying your religion was invented by a sex crazed horndog.

26

Surah 2:26

Indeed, Allah does not shy away from setting forth any parable, … He misguides many thereby…

New topic: Parables

It’s interesting that Allah is said to be using parables, and whether someone understands them or not depends on whether they are humble or not. This is one of the attributes of Jesus, who used parables because the humble understands them but the proud does not. (Matt. 13:10-17; Mark 4:11,12; Luke 8:9, 10) One of many ayah that inadvertently admit that Jesus is Allah.

However it says that Allah misguides people, and Allah being a liar and deceiver is a recurring theme.

27

Surah 2:27

…those are the losers.)

Allah has the vocabulary of a 14 year old boy.

28

Surah 2:28

…you were lifeless and He gave you life, then He puts you to death, then He brings you to life, then to Him you are returned

New topic: Life and death.

So Muslims pre-existed lifeless, then became alive, then dead, then alive again, then go to Allah? What busywork.

29

Surah 2:29

It is He Who created for you what is on earth, all together, then turned to the heaven and formed them into seven heavens…

We learn that Allah created the earth first and then the heavens, 7 of them. In the Bible God created the heavens and the earth, and there are 3 heavens. Funny how Islam seems to invert and pervert so many things.

30-34

Surah 2:30-34

… your Lord said to the angels, “I am appointing a viceroy in the earth.” … We said to the angels, “Prostrate yourselves to Adam”, so they prostrated themselves—but not Iblis. He refused and acted arrogantly and became of the deniers.

New topic: Adam and Satan shenanigans

No context: You need access to apocryphal stories to figure out what is going on.

Muhammad is referring to a fable taken from the apocryphal book of the life of Adam and Eve 13.2, where Adam is assigned as the ruler of the angels and God makes the angels bow down to him, but Sayan refuses. It was written between around 100 BC-100 AD and it’s an example of one of many false stories that Muhammad have just heard, thought was real, and included in the Quran. Either that or “Allah” can’t tell fact from fan fiction.

…He taught Adam the names, all of them…

In verse 31 it says that Allah taught Adam the names. Assuming this means the names of the animals, this disagrees with the Bible. Adam was the one who got to give names to the animals. God in the Bible allows his creatures to exercise creativity, but Allah from the Quran is not as magnanimous.

35-39

Surah 2:35-39

Yet Satan made them slip therefrom, so he brought them out of what they were in. Then We said, “Descend , as enemies to one another, for in the earth you have a place of settlement and enjoyment for a while.”

This verse is fuzzy but it appears that after the fall, Adam and Eve “descended” from Eden, as if it was not part of earth.

40-46

Surah 2:40-46

O Children of Israel

New topic: Israel

Fun fact: The Quran mentions Israel a lot, but never mentions any Palestinians…

And believe in what I have sent down, confirming what is with you

Allah tells Jews to believe the Quran because it confirms what is with you, that is, the Torah. This means that at the time the Quran was written, the Jews had a Torah that Allah said to be uncorrupted.

However we have extant Torahs that are 800 years older than this, and they are identical with today’s texts, and all of these do not match up with the Quran.

So either Allah wrote this and he was lying. Or Muhammad wrote this and he was ignorant and stupid.

See also “The Bible has been corrupted”, The Quran affirms the Bible, and The Islamic dilemmas.

47

Surah 2:47

Children of Israel, remember how I blessed you and favoured you over other people.

Allah prefers the Jews, which is weird considering how poorly Islam treats them.

48

Surah 2:48

Guard yourselves against a Day when no soul will stand in place of another, no intercession will be accepted for it, nor any ransom; nor will they be helped.

This contradicts other sources which say that on judgment day, Muslims will be ransomed by Jews and Christians taking their place in hell..

49-50

Surah 2:49-50

No context Without the Bible you’d have no idea what it’s referring to.

This section is about Israel in Egypt. It says that the genocide of male babies was a great trial from your Lord. This is false, it was from Satan. It was against God’s will.

51-56

Surah 2:51-56

No context: Without the Bible you have no idea what this is about.

This passage is about the worship of the golden calf.

Remember when you said, ‘Moses, we will not believe you until we see God face to face.’ At that, thunderbolts struck you as you looked on. Then We revived you after your death, so that you might be thankful.

This is false. The Israelites were rather terrified and did not want to see God. God did not kill and revive them. This idea probably comes from later Jewish fables.

58-59

Surah 2:58-59

No context: Actually you won’t understand what this is about even with the Bible because it’s totally made up.

Remember when We said, ‘Enter this town and eat freely there as you will, but enter its gate humbly and say, “Relieve us!” Then We shall forgive you your sins and increase the rewards of those who do good.’ But the wrongdoers substituted a different word from the one they had been given. So, because they persistently disobeyed, We sent a plague down from the heavens upon the wrongdoers.

This does not seem to match any story of the Bible. It seems to be made up.

60

Surah 2:60

No context: You need the Bible for this.

This verse says that when Moses struck the rock Twelve springs gushed out, and each group knew its drinking place. This is inaccurate. There is no mention of 12 streams in the Bible.

62

Surah 2:62

New topic: Salvation

The [Muslim] believers, the Jews, the Christians, and the Sabians- all those who believe in God and the Last Day and do good- will have their rewards with their Lord.

The Sabians were a Gnostic group following John the Baptist. This list of approved groups is very random and misleading.

63

Surah 2:63,64

New topic: Something about a mountain.

No context: Even with the Bible it’s unclear.

And ˹remember˺ when We took a covenant from you and raised the mountain above you

This passage is very vague. I have no idea what story it refers to.

65

Surah 2:65,66

New topic: Sabbaths.

No context: This is made up.

You know about those of you who broke the Sabbath, and so We said to them, ‘Be like apes! Be outcasts!’

This also never happened. God has never said sabbath breakers are apes. Breaking the sabbath was punished by death, not ostracism.

67-73

Surah 2:67-73

New topic: Some shenanigans about a cow.

No context: Also a story not mentioned in the Bible.

Moses said to his people, ‘God commands you to sacrifice a cow.’ They said, ‘Are you making fun of us?

The Israelites are baffled and don’t know what is going on, even though animal sacrifices were common throughout history, they seem confused. They ask show us what sort of cow it should be and Moses explains it should be neither too old nor too young and bright yellow, which is a weird color for a cow. They are still confused thinking all cows are more or less alike to us. So Moses needs to explain that it should be perfect and unblemished cow, not trained to till the earth or water the fields. And then finally they understand.

We said, ‘Strike the [[dead] body] with a part of [the cow]’: thus God brings the dead to life and shows His signs so that you may understand.

The cow is then apparently used to resurrect dead people by striking their dead body with a piece of the cow.

This whole story is non-existent in the Bible, very odd and pointless.

75-78

Surah 2:75-78

New topic: Jew bashing.

So can you believers hope that such people (Jews) will believe you, when some of them used to hear the words of God and then deliberately twist them, even when they understood them? … Some of them are uneducated, and know the Scripture only through wish-ful thinking. They rely on guesswork.

It’s ironic that after having claimed that the Torah is unchanged, the author tells a bunch of incorrect or completely fabricated stories, and then accuse Jews of twisting the words of God. Olympic levels of mental gymnastics.

79

Surah 2:79

So woe to those who write something down with their own hands and then claim, ‘This is from God,’ in order to make some small gain. Woe to them for what their hands have written! Woe to them for all that they have earned!

This must be the most ironic part of the Quran thus far, since Muhammad is the perfect example of who write something down with their own hands and then claim, ‘This is from God,’ in order to make some small gain.

Woe to him.

80-82

Surah 2:80-82

New topic: Paradise.

those who believe and do good deeds will be the inhabitants of the Garden

Islam is a works-righteousness religion. You have to do stuff to earn points to maybe go to paradise. But nowhere does it explain how many points you need or anything like that. And that means that there are a lot of really bad people in paradise, who are like 51% good and 49% evil.

83-86

Surah 2:83-86

New topic: General criticism against sinners.

87

Surah 2:87

New topic: Affirming biblical people.

We gave Moses the Scripture and We sent messengers after him in succession. We gave Jesus, son of Mary, clear signs and strengthened him with the Holy Spirit

Moses is mentioned 136 times. Jesus 25 times. Mary is the only woman named in the Quran 34 times. But Muhammad is only mentioned 4 times.

88-91

Surah 2:88-91, 97-98

New topic: Confirming the bible

And when there comes to them a Book from Allah, confirming what is with them… When it is said to them, “Believe in what Allah Hath sent down, “they say, “We believe in what was sent down to us:” yet they reject all besides, even if it be Truth confirming what is with them… (98)…*confirming what came before it…

This says that the Quran is confirming what is with them, meaning the Bible that the Jews and Christians had in the 7th century. We have extant copies that are even 300-900 years older than the Quran, and these are identical to modern Bibles. These are the ones the Quran claims to “confirm”, so according to the Quran, the Bible has not been corrupted.

However while the Quran confirms that the Bible has not been corrupted, it also contradicts the Bible on many important points.

So what gives? If Allah is the author of both, and the Quran affirms both, then either Allah lied in the Bible or Allah lies in the Quran.

Or, the Quran is not written by Allah, but is written by an ignorant illiterate Arabic warlord pretending to be a inspired by God for fun and profit.

92-96

Surah 2:92-96

New topic: More complaints about people being disobedient.

99

Surah 2:99

We have sent down to thee Manifest Signs (ayat)

New topic: Miracles

Just a note on translation itself: The Arabic says “ayat” meaning verse, but it is here translated as “Signs”, which is also a synonym for miracles. Muslims consider the Quran itself a miracle, so each piece of text is a “miracle” because they think Allah himself authored it. It’s good to keep in mind that when Muslims talk about “miracles” their definition is different. A verse of text is not a miracle.

100-101

Surah 2:100-101

there came to them a messenger from Allah, confirming what was with them

New topic: More complaints against faithful people and more confirmation that the Bible is not corrupted.

102-103

Surah 2:102-103

New topic: Fables about Solomon

No context False apocryphal stories and mythology from pagan religions.

They followed what the evil ones gave out (falsely) against the power of Solomon: the blasphemers Were, not Solomon, but the evil ones, teaching men Magic, and such things as came down at babylon to the angels Harut and Marut.…

The names Hārūt and Mārūt do not originate from Semitic beliefs, but appear to be etymologically related to Haurvatat and Ameretat, two Amesha Spenta (a class of seven divine entities emanating from Ahura Mazda) from Zoroastrianism.

The idea that Solomon was doing magic may come from sources such as the Testament of Solomon, which was written sometime between the first and tenth century A.D. It is not biblical though.

These show that Muhammad just copy-pasted random lore and fables floating around at the time.

104

Surah 2:104

New topic: Allah is the servant of Muhammad.

Say not (to the Messenger) words of ambiguous import, but words of respect

This verse is apparently Allah giving rules specifically to benefit Muhammad, to not annoy him. It’s one of many verses that shows that “Allah” is just a puppet Muhammad used to make his own life more pleasant.

The word translated “words of ambiguous import” in Arabic is Raina (رَٰعِنَا) and the word translated “words of respect” is Unzurna (ٱنظُرْنَا). “Do not say Raina but say Unzurna.”

After consulting this Quranic dictionary it seems Raina means “Observe” and Unzurna means “Look”. Other translations render them “herd us” and “tend to us”.

It seems even scholars are unclear on what this means. So much for the Quran being clear and understandable.

105

Surah 2:105

New topic: Bashing Christians and Jews.

Neither those who disbelieve from the People of the Scripture [i.e., the Jews and Christians] nor the polytheists wish that any good should be sent down to you from your Lord.

Allah is saying “they don’t want you to have good stuff”. This is manipulation, framing Jews and Christians as evil ones who try to withhold good from Muslims. See Genesis 3:1-6 for an example of this lie.

106

Surah 2:106

New topic: The Quran is not perfectly preserved.

We do not abrogate a verse or cause it to be forgotten except that We bring forth [one] better than it or similar to it.

Allah admits that he does change his word, and cause it to be forgotten. Whether he “brings forth one better” makes no difference because it totally destroys the idea that “the Quran is perfectly preserved”. History also proves that it is not.

107-109

Surah 2:107-109

New topic: Manipulation.

the People of the Book wish they could turn you ˹believers˺ back to disbelief because of their envy

Saying that you have no one else, and that everyone else on the outside are evil and only oppose you because of bad motives (“envy”) are common manipulation tactics used by cults and narcissists.

111-112

Surah 2:111-112

New topic: Salvation.

The Jews and Christians each claim that none will enter Paradise except those of their own faith…But no! Whoever submits themselves to Allah and does good will have their reward with their Lord. …

Christianity teaches that salvation is through faith alone in Christ. “Not through works lest anyone should boast” (Ephesians 2:8-10) If we could pay for our salvation with our good deeds, then it means that we could somehow put God in our debt. As if we could bribe the Judge of all the Earth. As if we could by our own works and deeds say “See, God, I am so good that you must accept me into heaven”. That very idea is laughable, and a God who would accept our works as payment for salvation would be an unjust, unfair judge. Salvation by faith, not works, is a fundamental tenet of Christianity, and in these two verses the Quran directly contradicts the Bible saying that salvation is not by faith but by works. It’s written to lead people away from salvation.

114

Surah 2:114

Who does more wrong than those who prevent Allah’s Name from being mentioned in His places of worship

Funny that the Quran says that the worst wrong is to not mention the name of Allah. However the Quran never tells us what the name of Allah is. “Allah” is not a name, it just means “God”. And none of the “99 names” they list is an actual name. They’re all just titles and attributes.

115

Surah 2:115

New topic: Nature of Allah.

To Allah belong the east and the west, so wherever you turn you are facing ˹towards˺ Allah.

If you could turn any way to face Allah, why do muslims need to turn towards the Kabaa, a man made physical object, in order to pray to Allah. Seems very idolatrous.

116-117

Surah 2:116-117

They say, “Allah has offspring.” Glory be to Him! In fact, to Him belongs whatever is in the heavens and the earth—all are subject to His Will. ˹He is˺ the Originator of the heavens and the earth! When He decrees a matter, He simply tells it, “Be!” And it is!

This and other verses reveal the lack of understanding Muslims have for the sonship of Jesus. The Son of God is not a created person. He is the Word of God. When God says “Be”, it is the Word of God, Jesus, that makes it be.

118-120

Surah 2:118-120

New topic: Comforting Muhammad

Those who have no knowledge say, “If only Allah would speak to us or a sign would come to us!”

Actually God always accompany new revelation with miraculous signs. That’s why the Jews and Christians kept asking Muhammad for signs. But Muhammad was unable to produce anything.

We have surely sent you with the truth

Islam is not based on anything real. There are no signs. No one has ever witnessed Muhammad meet Gabriel or ride his flying donkey. It’s all based on circular reasoning. It’s true because the Quran is true because Muhammad got it from Allah. And how do we know he got it from Allah? Because he says so in the book. And here he says that Allah told him he’s right. And we should trust that because Muhammad said so, and Muhammad speaks for Allah, which we know because Muhammad said Allah said so.

Trust me bro.

121

Surah 2:121

As for those who reject it, it is they who are the losers.

Allah has the vocabulary of a preteen boy.

124-128

Surah 2:124-128

New topic: Some pseudo-history.

No context: The Quran doesn’t explain who Abraham and Ishmael are. And this story has no historicity.

And ˹remember˺ when We made the Sacred House a centre and a sanctuary for the people ˹saying˺, “˹You may˺ take the standing-place of Abraham as a site of prayer.” And We entrusted Abraham and Ishmael to purify My House for those who circle it, who meditate in it, and who bow and prostrate themselves ˹in prayer˺… And ˹remember˺ when Abraham said, “My Lord, make this city ˹of Mecca˺ secure and provide fruits to its people.. And ˹remember˺ when Abraham raised the foundation of the House with Ishmael..

This passage recounts a non-existent nonsensical story about how Abraham and Ishmael built the Kaba in Mecca. There is no historical nor scriptural evidence that this was the case. Nor does it make any sense for Abraham to travel hundreds of miles into an unknown desert to build a house that would not be used to worship God for about 2500 years. This is an example of Muhammad just making stuff up and tricking muslims into believing nonsense.

130

Surah 2:130

And who would reject the faith of Abraham except a fool!…

This explains the reason for the nonsensical story about Abraham and Ishmael. Muhammad wanted to have some kind of authenticity for his new religion and for using the pagan temple in Mecca as a center for it, by connecting it to Abraham.

133

Surah 2:133

No context: The Quran doesn’t explain who Jacob is.

Or did you witness when death came to Jacob? He asked his children, “Who will you worship after my passing?” They replied, “We will ˹continue to˺ worship your God, the God of your forefathers—Abraham, Ishmael, and Isaac—the One God. And to Him we ˹all˺ submit.”

This verse is interesting because it talks about Jacob, a.k.a. Israel and his children, the tribes and prople of Israel, and that they worship the same God as Abraham and Isaac (and I guess Ishmael). Yet the Quran also goes on tirades about his Israel are bad and worships wrong.

135-136

Surah 2:135-136

New topic: Bashing Jews and Christians again.

The Jews and Christians each say, “Follow our faith to be ˹rightly˺ guided.” Say, ˹O Prophet,˺ “No! We follow the faith of Abraham, the upright—who was not a polytheist.” We believe in Allah and what has been revealed to us; and what was revealed to Abraham, Ishmael, Isaac, Jacob, and his descendants; and what was given to Moses, Jesus, and other prophets from their Lord.

This insinuates that Jews and Christians are polytheist when the main distinguishing feature of judeochristian religion is monotheism. And it insultingly says that they do not believe as the most important people in their religions did. Either Muhammad was ignorant, stupid, or lying. In any case he is disrespectful and arrogant.

140

Surah 2:140

Do you claim that Abraham, Ishmael, Isaac, Jacob, and his descendants were all Jews or Christians?

No, claiming that would be ahistorical nonsense like what Muhammad is doing. We claim that these all worshipped Yahweh, as we also do, but that muslims do not worship Yahweh. Muslims don’t even know the name of their god.

Who does more wrong than those who hide the testimony they received from Allah?

Muhammad makes the claim that there is some hidden testimony. Muslims often say things like that but they can never prove that these made up hidden words ever existed or what they supposedly were.

142-144, 149-150

Surah 2:142-144, 149-150

New topic: Direction of prayer

The foolish among the people will ask, “Why did they turn away from the direction of prayer they used to face?” Say, ˹O Prophet,˺ “The east and west belong ˹only˺ to Allah. He guides whoever He wills to the Straight Path.”

The footnote explains “For about sixteen months after daily prayers became obligatory, Muslims used to face towards Jerusalem before the order came to face a new qiblah (direction of prayer)—the Sacred Mosque in Mecca.”

So muslims used to (idolatrously) pray toward Jerusalem. I mean, if you are going to worship the wrong way, you might as well do it toward a place that was at least associated with God. But then Muhammad told them to face a black stone in Arabia instead. So of course some less gullible people would comment on this. How does “Allah” respond?

We assigned your former direction of prayer only to distinguish those who would remain faithful to the Messenger from those who would lose faith.

Basically: “Psyche! It’s just a prank bro! It wasn’t a mistake but I totally meant to do that.”

We see you ˹O Prophet˺ turning your face towards heaven. Now We will make you turn towards a direction ˹of prayer˺ that will please you. So turn your face towards the Sacred Mosque ˹in Mecca˺

So Muhammad used to pray facing heaven (like Jesus did), but then Allah didn’t want him to face the direction God symbolically resides, but rather face a man made idol in Arabia. Later Muhammad even said that facing heaven while praying would make you go blind.

turn your face towards the Sacred Mosque. And wherever you ˹believers˺ are, face towards it, so that people will have no argument against you

We have an argument against it, because it smacks of idolatry.

145, 148

Surah 2:145, 148

Even if you were to bring every proof to the People of the Book, they would not accept your direction ˹of prayer˺

Of course we wouldn’t, because God is not in a little house in Arabia, God is everywhere. Even the Surah 2:115 saus that Allah is everywhere, so why would we face any particular direction?

Everyone turns to their own direction ˹of prayer˺.

Nope. Facing a certain direction only makes sense to idolaters.

146

Surah 2:146

New topic: Conspiracy theory about Judeochristian theology.

Those We have given the Scripture recognize this ˹Prophet˺ as they recognize their own children. Yet a group of them hides the truth knowingly.

We christians recognize Muhammad easily, because Jesus warned us against false prophets, so we knew as soon as we saw him that he is a false prophet. But the Quran says that we reject him because we “hide the truth”.

154

Surah 2:154

New topic: How Allah abuses his followers.

Never say that those martyred in the cause of Allah are dead—in fact, they are alive!

This verse encourages jihad, killing and dying for islam.

155

Surah 2:155

We shall certainly test you with fear and hunger, and loss of property, lives, and crops.

In the Bible Jesus says that his followers may be persecuted by people as a result of following him, but nowhere does God promise that he will literally torment his followers. What Allah promises sounds more like it comes from the one whose goal is to “steal, kill and destroy.” (John 10:10)

158

Surah 2:158

New topic: Instructions about pilgrimage.

Safa and Marwa are among the rites of God, so for those who make major or minor pilgrimage to the House it is no offence to circulate between the two.

For no apparent reason Allah suddenly talks about a pilgrimage ritual. The amount of incoherent changes of topics and irrelevant interjections is amazing.

159-160

Surah 2:159-160

New topic: More conspiracy theories about Jews and Christians.

As for those who hide the proofs and guidance We send down…

Allah seems upset about these hidden messages that never existed, but he also seems unable to specify what they were.

161-167

Surah 2:161-167

New topic: Some self glazing and poorly veiled threats to worship Allah, or else…

168-169

Surah 2:168-169

New topic: The nature of Satan.

[Satan] always commands you to do what is evil and indecent

Funny, because the commands of Allah are more often than not both evil and indecent. Such as prescribing killing, raping, child sexual abuse, domestic abuse, torture, idolatry, etc.

170-171

Surah 2:170-171

New topic: More trash talking of non-Muslims.

172-173

Surah 2:172-173

New topic: Dietary restrictions.

eat the good things We have provided… He has only forbidden you carrion, blood, pig’s meat, and animals over which any name other than God’s has been invoked.

Some dietary laws. Personally I don’t reject bacon for religious reasons, I reject religiouns for bacon reasons.

174-176

Surah 2:174-176

New topic: More conspiracy theories.

No context: Who is it talking about?

As for those who conceal the Scripture that God sent down and sell it for a small price

Again “Allah” accuses people of concealing scripture. But he is unable to tell us what was concealed or changed. If Allah is so smart, can’t he show us what these hidden or corrupted scriptures should actually read?

Since Muhammad was teaching things contrary to the Bible, rather than admitting that he was ignorant and stupid, he instead insists that there must be something wrong with the Bible or that the Christians are hiding something.

177

Surah 2:177

New topic: Dos and donts.

The truly good are those who…

This verse is a long list of good works you need to do to be considered “good”. It’s encouraging works righteousness.

liberate those in bondage

One good thing is to liberate those in bondage. Ironic since Muhammad owned slaves.

to orphans

Muhammad once cursed an orphan girl.

178-179

Surah 2:178-179

New topic Laws about murder

The commentary on this verse says “No one else should be executed in place of the killer.” This idea that no one can pay the price or take the punishment for your crimes or sins contradicts the teaching of the ransom in the Bible. This agrees with Surah 2:48 but contradicts And it also contradicts Sahih Muslim 2767 which says that “When it will be the Day of Resurrection Allah would deliver to every Muslim a Jew or a Christian and say: That is your rescue from Hell-Fire.” So Islam is in contradiction on this topic.

180-182

Surah 2:180-182

New topic: Laws about wills and inheritance.

183-185

Surah 2:183-185

New topic: Laws about fasting.

Fasting is prescribed for you—as it was for those before you

This is false. Fasting is not obligatory to Christians. It’s an optional thing to do, not a decree of God.

For those who can only fast with extreme difficulty, compensation can be made by feeding a needy person ˹for every day not fasted˺

Those who can not fast during Ramadan can compensate by giving food to someone else. I thought the whole point of fasting was to not eat. But instead these people do eat, and they also compell others to eat. Seems contradictory.

Allah intends ease for you, not hardship

By forcing people to do something that is not easy but hard.

186

Surah 2:186

New topic: A half-baked promise that if someone doubts Allah, they could try to obey him and “perhaps they will be guided”.

Sounds like unless it’s your lucky day, Allah just can’t be arsed to give a hoot.

187

Surah 2:187

New topic: Ramadan.

It has been made permissible for you to be intimate with your wives during the nights preceding the fast

Answering the question everyone was wondering, “can we have sex during ramadan?” Micromanaging people’s sex lives? Classic Allah.

˹You may˺ eat and drink until you see the light of dawn breaking the darkness of night, then complete the fast until nightfall.

Muslims are allowed to eat when it’s dark, but not when it’s light. Apparently Allah has no idea that in the northen hemisphere Since Ramadan moves over the year sometimes it can fall under summer or winter periods when the sun is either up for the whole month in the summer, or it’s dark for the whole month in the winter. I guess Allah was unaware of things like the polar circle, that the earth is a globe, that it tilts, and that summers and winters are unevenly long. I guess that’s just too much for an omniscient god to keep track of.

Also it’s funny that statistically, Muslims eat twice as much food during Ramadan. After fasting all day they gorge themselves at night. Rather than a month of fasting it turns into a month of gluttony.

Do not be intimate with your spouses while you are meditating in the mosques.

The fact that this sentence had to be included in the Quran tells me that so many horny arabs actually had sex in the mosque that it became a problem worthy of including in the holy book for all times.

188

Surah 2:188

New topic Embezzling.

189

Surah 2:189

New topic: The science of the moon and how to use doors.

They ask you ˹O Prophet˺ about the phases of the moon. Say, “They are a means for people to determine time and pilgrimage.” Righteousness is not in entering your houses from the back doors. Rather, righteousness is to be mindful ˹of Allah˺. So enter your homes through their ˹proper˺ doors, and be mindful of Allah so you may be successful.

So this covers two important topics: What exactly is the purpose of the moon? And what doors of our houses should we use?

I’m not making this up.

190-194

Surah 2:190-194

New topic: Kill the unbelievers.

Fight in the cause of Allah against those who wage war against you, but do not exceed the limits… Kill them wherever you come upon them and drive them out of the places from which they have driven you out. For persecution is far worse than killing. And do not fight them at the Sacred Mosque unless they attack you there. If they do so, then fight them—that is the reward of the disbelievers… Fight against them until there is no more persecution, and devotion will be to Allah. If they stop, let there be no hostility except against the aggressors.

Fight, kill, death. The essence of Islam.

˹There will be retaliation in˺ a sacred month for ˹an offence in˺ a sacred month, and all violations will bring about retaliation. So, if anyone attacks you, retaliate in the same manner.

This verse calls for retaliation. Christianity encourages forgiveness. Islam encourages revenge.

195-203

Surah 2:195-203

New topic Instructions for pilgrimage.

204-209

Surah 2:204-209

New topic: Criticising hypocrites and commending the faithful.

210-211

Surah 2:210-211

New topic: The Jews again.

Are they waiting for Allah ˹Himself˺ to come to them in the shade of clouds, along with the angels?

Since this passage talks about the israelites it seems to allude to when God came in the clouds on mount Sinai with angels. This is interesting since Yahweh of judeochristianity is a God who sometimes comes down into our world in various manifestations. But Allah is said to be beyond that, someone who never shows up in our world. This verse seems to contradict that idea.

213

Surah 2:213

And no one disputed the Scriptures except the very people who received them after clear proofs had come to them—out of jealousy.

There’s a recurring theme that the Jews didn’t accept their own scriptures, and that this somehow has to do with envy or jealousy. It’s not clear toward what they are jealous. But for sure they did not despise their own scriptures, since they have kept them for thousands of years.

214

Surah 2:214

New topic: Entering paradise

Do you think you will be admitted into Paradise without being tested like those before you?

Paradise is something a muslim needs to earn.

215

Surah 2:215

New topic: Donations and charity.

216

Surah 2:216

New topic: Fighting for Islam

Fighting has been made obligatory upon you ˹believers˺, though you dislike it. Perhaps you dislike something which is good for you and like something which is bad for you. Allah knows and you do not know.

This is a damning verse because it says that fighting is obligatory to all muslims, even if they are peaceful and good people who dislike violence, Allah knows better and thingks that violence is just the best and he wants them to fight against their will.

217

Surah 2:217

For persecution is far worse than killing.

So if someone is being nasty towards you, you should not do as the christians and show love for them, but you should kill them.

And they will not stop fighting you until they turn you away from your faith—if they can. And whoever among you renounces their own faith and dies a disbeliever, their deeds will become void in this life and in the Hereafter. It is they who will be the residents of the Fire. They will be there forever.”

It threatens those who do not kill “persecuters” that these will not stop coming and if the muslim ever gives up, all their prayers, pilgrimages, and other works righteousness are meaningless. In islam you can lose your salvation, and everything you have ever done is null and void in an instant, and hell is all that’s left for you. Cult manipulation.

219-220

Surah 2:219-220

New topic: Drugs and gambling + Donation + Orphans

They ask you ˹O Prophet˺ about intoxicants and gambling. Say, “There is great evil in both, as well as some benefit for people—but the evil outweighs the benefit.”

So it’s not strictly forbidden.

And they ask you ˹O Prophet˺ concerning orphans. Say, “Improving their condition is best. And if you partner with them, they are bonded with you ˹in faith˺.

Muslims use such weird vocabulary. “Partnering with orphans”? Did Muhammad “partner” with the orphan girl he cursed to die young?

221

Surah 2:221

New topic: Marriage.

Do not marry polytheistic women until they believe; for a believing slave-woman is better than a free polytheist, even though she may look pleasant to you. And do not marry your women to polytheistic men until they believe, for a believing slave-man is better than a free polytheist, even though he may look pleasant to you.

Muslims are not allowed to marry non-muslims. However muslim men are allowed to have sex slaves and rape captive women

This also insults jews and christians because again the muslims falsely call them polytheists, ignorantly and arrogantly thinking that they are the only monotheists.

Allah invites ˹you˺ to Paradise and forgiveness by His grace.

In islam, salvation is basically Allah just forgiving people for no reason. In Christianity, God is Just, so someone needs to take the punishment, and that someone is Jesus. In islam, Allah doesn’t really have any foundation upon which to justly forgive. He just forgives with no basis, which means he does not consider sins to be serious, and he doesn’t take justice seriously. If someone sins against a victim, and Allah just forgives the sinner, then it means he doesn’t love the victim, because he didn’t execute justice. He is a corrupt judge. In fact, Allah wants people to sin.

222

Surah 2:222

New topic: Menstruation

They ask you ˹O Prophet˺ about menstruation. Say, “Beware of its harm! So keep away, and do not have intercourse with your wives during their monthly cycles until they are purified.

Apparently menstruation is dangerous?

223

Surah 2:223

New topic: Sex

Your wives are your fields, so go into your fields whichever way you like

Are muslim women comfortable being referred to as a “field” that their husband can “go into” as they like?

224-225

Surah 2:224-225

New topic: Allah’s name

Do not use Allah’s Name in your oaths…

It’s ironic that there are verses talking about the name of Allah when muslims don’t even know the name of Allah.

226

Surah 2:226

New topic: Oaths.

Those who swear not to have intercourse with their wives must wait for four months. If they change their mind, then Allah is certainly All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

Allah takes oaths as serious as he does sins, not at all. Make and oath and if you break it, it’s no big problem. Allah doesn’t care. Because Allah is not trustworthy either.

227-232

Surah 2:227-232

New topic: Laws on Divorce.

The Christian view of divorce is serious. A Christian can only divorce in cases of adultery. The Old Testament also points out that God hates divirce, but a Jew under the mosaic law could divorce for unspecified “indecency” but could not divorce and remarry. (Deu 24:1-22)

In Islam, men can divorce, remarry, divorce, and remarry as much as they wish. Marriage basically means nothing in Islam.

Divorce can happen twice

So a man can divorce, remarry and divorce his wife twice.

If a husband re-divorces his wife after the second divorce, she will not be lawful for him until she has taken another husband; if that one divorces her, there will be no blame if she and the first husband return to one another

When you divorce women and they have reached their set time, do not prevent them from remarrying their husbands if they both agree to do so in a fair manner.

After a man has divorced a woman twice, another man must marry her, and after he also divorces her once or twice, the first husband can have a go at it again.

This contradicts everything the Bible teaches about marriage and divorce making it into a mockery.

Do not make a mockery of God’s revelations

Allah has already made a mockery of marriage. It’s all a sham to pretend that this isn’t wife swapping, treating women like objects that can be freely traded.

233

Surah 2:233

New topic: Laws on weaning children

Mothers suckle their children for two whole years, if they wish to complete the term, and clothing and maintenance must be borne by the father in a fair manner.

Since Muslims do not take marriage seriously there is bound to be a lot of single baby mommas and baby daddies, so you need to have these laws for men to take the responsibility that they should have had to take if they could have stayed in a marriage.

234-235

Surah 2:234-235

New topic: Laws on widowhood

the widows should wait for four months and ten nights before remarrying

Oddly specific.

236-237

Surah 2:236-237

New topic: Laws on divorce, again.

238-239

Surah 2:238-239

New topic: Prayer when in danger

240-242

Surah 2:240-242

New topic: Laws on widowhood and divorce, again.

243

Surah 2:243

New topic: Violence, again

No context

consider those people who abandoned their homeland in fear of death, even though there were thousands of them. God said to them, ‘Die!’ and then brought them back to life again

I have no idea what this is about, and the Quran gives no context so this is just one of those random, irellevant, incoherent things Allah throws into the mix for fun.

244

Surah 2:244

Fight in God’s cause and remember that He is all hearing and all knowing.

More incitement to violence.

245

Surah 2:245

New topic: Donations.

Who will give God a good loan, which He will increase for him many times over?

Sounds like the prosperity gospel. I guess a Muhammad was short on cash.

246

Surah 2:246

New topic: Even more pseudo-history.

consider the leaders of the Children of Israel who came after Moses, when they said to one of their prophets, ‘Set up a king for us and we shall fight in God’s cause.’ He said, ‘But could it be that you would not fight, if it were ordained for you?’ They said, ‘How could we not fight in God’s cause when we and our children have been driven out of our homeland?’

This paraphrases the passage in 1 Samuel 8, where Israel wants a king. But in this Islamic version, pay attention to how bloodthirsty they are. In the real version, they didn’t want a king so that they could go kill people, they wanted a king to judge them:

Verse 4-5 Then all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah 5 and said to him, “Behold, you are old and your sons do not walk in your ways. Now appoint for us a king to judge us like all the nations.”

Rather the prophet Samuel warns them that if they get a King he would force their young men into military service:

1 Samuel 8:11 He said, “These will be the ways of the king who will reign over you: he will take your sons and appoint them to his chariots and to be his horsemen and to run before his chariots.

Having to go to war was something bad the Israelites would rather avoid, but the Quran claims that they were bloodthirsty savages who only wanted a king so they could go to war.

247

Surah 2:247

Their prophet said to them, ‘God has now appointed Talut to be your king,’ but they said, ‘How can he be king over us when we have a greater right to rule than he? He does not even have great wealth.’

Talut? Who is Talut? There’d no king Talut in the Bible. Do they mean Saul?

It says they didn’t accept him because he wasn’t rich. Saul did have some trust issues in the beginning, so maybe Talut is Saul?

248

Surah 2:248

Their prophet said to them, ‘The sign of his authority will be that the Ark [of the Covenant] will come to you. In it there will be [the gift of] tranquillity from your Lord and relics of the followers of Moses and Aaron, carried by the angels. There is a sign in this for you if you believe.’

The story of how the Ark was returned is found in 1 Samuel chapter 4, decades before Saul became king, when Samuel was still a young boy. “Allah” must be confused as to what happened.

249

Surah 2:249

When Talut set out with his forces, he said to them, ‘God will test you with a river. Anyone who drinks from it will not belong with me, but anyone who refrains from tasting it will belong with me; if he scoops up just one handful [he will be excused].’ But they all drank [deep] from it, except for a few.

The story if drinking from the river is about Gideon in Judges 7, probably centuries before Saul (or whoever this “Talut” is). “Allah” is mixing three different stories here.

When he crossed it with those who had kept faith, they said, ‘We have no strength today against Goliath and his warriors.’ But those who knew that they were going to meet their Lord said, ‘How often a small force has defeated a large army with God’s permission! God is with those who are steadfast.’

The story of Goliat is about David, not Saul, and it happened later!

250-251

Surah 2:250-251

And when they met Goliath and his warriors, they said, ‘Our Lord, pour patience on us, make us stand firm, and help us against the disbelievers,’and so with God’s permission they defeated them. David killed Goliath, and God gave him sovereignty and wisdom and taught him what He pleased. If God did not drive some back by means of others the earth would be completely corrupt, but God is bountiful to all.

Now the story is not about this mysterious “Talut” anymore, but about David and Goliath? This is getting worse and worse, mixing up at least 4 different stories and getting the names and details wrong. Is “Allah” demented?

252

Surah 2:252

New topic: Affirming the prophethood of Muhammad.

These are the revelations of God which We recite to you [Muhammad] with the truth, and you truly are one of the messengers.

So far it has only been a hot mess of incoherent schizophrenic ramblings and errors.

253

Surah 2:253

God spoke to some; others He raised in rank; We gave Jesus, son of Mary, Our clear signs and strengthened him with the holy spirit.

Muslims ought to consider why Allah said he “raised” Jesus “in rank”.

Yet if Allah had willed, they would not have fought one another. But Allah does what He wills.

Disagreements and fights between religious factions is Allah’s will. He wants people to be divided and fighting.

254

Surah 2:254

New topic: Donations again.

Donate from what We have provided for you before the arrival of a Day when there will be no bargaining,1 friendship,2 or intercession

Allah is broke! Give him your moneys!

255

Surah 2:255

New topic: The nature of Allah

His throne extends over the heavens and the earth; it does not weary Him to preserve them both.

In the Bible, Hebrews 1:2-3;8:1 it is Jesus who is enthroned in heaven and who sustains the universe. The Quran admits that Jesus is God.

256

Surah 2:256

New topic: Freedom of religion

Let there be no compulsion in religion, for the truth stands out clearly from falsehood

One of the verses used to defend Islam. It was written before Muhammad went to Medina, during the time he was outnumbered. But that tone changed once he had an army. Islam always plays meek and nice when outnumbered, but once they gain power the tyranny begins.

257

Surah 2:257

New topic: Regular warnings and threats.

258-260

Surah 2:258-260

New topic: More pseudo-history

Three apocryphal stories about Abraham arguing with Nimrod, an Israelite man whom Allah killed and raised after a hundred years, and another story about Abraham cutting birds to pieces and Allah resurrecting them.

The Quran is full of weird apocryphal fables and corrupted stories. But someone growing up with them would say that the canonical stories are false.

261-274

Surah 2:261-274

New topic: Donations and charity.

Allah blesses those who give him money and curses those who don’t.

Surah 2:266 is cryptic but commentaries say it means that if someone does good and then turn to doing bad, all his good deeds are cancelled.

Surah 2:271 says “to give to the poor privately is better for you, and will absolve you of your sins”, teaching the lie of works righteousness.

275-281

Surah 2:275-281

New topic: Condemning interest and usury.

282-283

Surah 2:282-283

New topic: Laws regarding loan contracts.

Surah 2:282 contains this gem:

Call upon two of your men to witness. If two men cannot be found, then one man and two women of your choice will witness—so if one of the women forgets the other may remind her.

In Islam, women are considered to be half as intelligent and trustworthy as a man, therefore if two men can not be found to witness the contract, one man and two women would suffice. Apparently women are so unreliable that they need to remind one another what to say.

284

Surah 2:284

New topic: Forgiveness.

He forgives whoever He wills, and punishes whoever He wills.

Allah forgives without a legal right to do so (i.e. a ransom). Sins must be punished, or the judge is unjust. To forgive and have mercy, the judge must accept some sort of ransom. This is missing in Islam, which means Allah is an unjust judge who lets people get away with hurting others.

285

Surah 2:285

The Messenger ˹firmly˺ believes in what has been revealed to him from his Lord, and so do the believers. They ˹all˺ believe in Allah, His angels, His Books, and His messengers.

This verse claims that Muhammad and all Muslims believe in the Bible, which is “His books”. However the Quran contradicts these books. And the Bible rejects the Bible. See the Islamic dilemma for more information.

286

Surah 2:286

Allah does not require of any soul more than what it can afford.

But he requires everything up to and including what they can afford.

Our Lord! Do not punish us if we forget or make a mistake. Our Lord! Do not place a burden on us like the one you placed on those before us. Our Lord! Do not burden us with what we cannot bear. Pardon us, forgive us, and have mercy on us.

That Muslims have to beg their god to not punish them with tyrannical requirements says a lot. Being a Muslim is indeed a most pitiable situation.

End notes

I can not understand how anyone could read this and perceive any literary value at all. I have read phone books more engaging. That verse 2:23 challenges us to come up with a better Surah is laughable. The only way that this would be the best, most excellent piece of literature, is if literally every other piece of literature was eliminated.

It is totally incoherent. It jumps wildly from topic to topic without any rhyme or reason. I counted at least 68 abrupt changes of topic. Even something like “A pickle for the knowing ones” is a more coherent read. Whoever wrote this was surely schizophrenic. So if Muslims claim that Allah wrote it, fine, you worship a schizophrenic god. But if Muhammad wrote it, fine, you follow a schizophrenic man.