What does Islam teach?

Table of Contents

• Allah
  • Allah’s fatherhood
    • Jews and Christians have a familial relationship with God
    • Allah is not a father
    • The best Muslims can hope for us to be slaves
    • Allah would need a wife to become a father
  • Allah’s Godship
    • Allah is unlike anything else
    • Allah is not the only creator
    • Not everyone will bow before Allah
    • Allah is unable to receive prayers at certain times
  • Allah’s personality traits
    • Allah is a narcissist
    • Allah is afraid of insults
    • Allah is a liar
    • Allah leads people astray
    • Allah blinds people to the truth
    • Allah wants people to sin
    • Allah has predestined adultery
    • Allah wants contention
    • Allah tortures the dead if their relatives grieve
    • Allah is a fickle and arbitrary judge
    • Allah admits that he is Satan
  • Allah’s religion
    • Allah is a muslim
    • Allah swears by creation
    • Allah swears by the moon
    • Allah swears by the fore-noon and night
    • Allah swears by the Lord of the East and West
    • Allah prays
  • Allah’s mental abilities
    • Allah wonders
    • Allah can not count
    • Allah is ignorant
  • Allah’s Throne
    • The Throne of Allah ejaculates semen
    • Allah is limited to one location
    • Allah’s throne is upon water
    • Allah’s throne can be shaken by human affairs
  • Allah is manifested
    • Allah manifests himself to creation
    • Allah comes down every night
    • Allah is visible
  • Allah has body parts
    • Allah has hands
    • Allah shakes hands
    • How many hands does Allah have?
      • Allah has a right and left hand
      • Allah also has two right hands
    • Allah has a face
    • Allah has eyes
    • Allah has a shin
    • Allah has a foot
    • Allah was grabbed by the balls
  • Allah’s economy
    • Allah needs your money
    • Allah inherits
• Muhammad
  • Muhammad’s appearance
    • Muhammad was very average looking
    • Muhammad had big hands
    • Muhammad dyed his beard yellow
    • Muhammad had a gap tooth
    • Muhammad was white
    • Muhammad used mascara and eyeliner
    • Muhammad liked his own face
    • Muhammad had a tooth knocked out
    • Muhammad dressed in drag
  • Muhammad’s character
    • Muhammad was illiterate
    • Muhammad was gullible
    • Muhammad was a sinner
    • Muhammad randomly beat people for no reason
    • Muhammad was a copycat
      • Muhammad copied the Lord’s Prayer
      • Muhammad copied Jesus’ teachings
        • The workers if the vineyard
        • Final judgment
      • Muhammad copied Paul’s writings
    • Muhammad cursed an orphan girl to die young
    • Muhammad disdained a blind man
    • Muhammad did not like poetry
    • Muhammad didn’t practice what he preached
    • Muhammad almost caused a famine
    • Muhammad probably stole a red velvet cloth
    • Muhammad killed puppies
    • Muhammad was a tough guy
    • Muhammad slapped a lady
    • Muhammad condoned murder
  • Muhammad spiritual qualifications and prophethood
    • Muhammad sacrificed to pagan gods
    • Muhammad couldn’t predict technological advances
    • Muhammad couldn’t predict Covid-19
    • Muhammad predicted that the last hour would come before a young man grew old
    • Muhammad couldn’t remember verses of the Quran
    • Muhammad ordered Muslims to cast spells
  • Muhammad’s family
    • Muhammad would not provide more than one garment each to his wives
    • A wife of Muhammad used a dish to catch yellow menstrual discharge while praying
    • Muhammad daughter Fatima was denied an inheritance
    • The wives of Muhammad were also denied an inheritance.
    • The wives of Muhammad were denied remarriage
    • The parents of Muhammad are in hell
  • Muhammad and hygiene
    • Muhammad was sickly
    • Muhammad told his followers to drink sewer water
    • Muhammad didn’t understand how pollution works
    • Muhammad gargled with dick water
    • Muhammad had sex with 11 wives but only took one bath
    • Muhammad told his followers to lick each other’s hands
    • Muhammad told his followers to eat food from the ground
    • Muhammad told his followers to drink his spit water
    • Muhammad spit water in the face of a boy
    • Muhammad spit three times in a man’s wound
    • Muhammad believed spit mixed with dirt could cure illnesses
    • Muhammad tried to heal himself by blowing raspberries
    • Muhammad spat in the mouth of a newborn child
    • Muhammad exhumed a dead man to spit in his mouth
    • Muhammad spat on his prayer mat
    • Muhammad urinated squatting
    • Muhammad urinated standing
    • Muhammad urinated in some weird way
    • Muhammad peed toward the Qiblah
    • Muhammad pooped facing the Qiblah
    • Muhammad told people to drink camel urine
    • Muhammad wore semen encrusted clothes
    • Muhammad scraped off encrusted snot
    • Muhammad had lice
  • Muhammad’s mental health
    • Muhammad was bewitched
    • Muhammad was suicidal
    • Muhammad was paranoid, accusing a child of being a supervillain
    • Muhammad was posessed by Satan
    • Muhammad believed he had a wrestling match with Satan
    • Muhammad was commanded by jinns
  • Muhammad’s miracles
    • Muhammad did NOT perform miracles
    • Muhammad DID perform miracles
  • Muhammad and sex
    • Mohammed was a pedophile
    • Muhammed used to put his face into Aishas crotch and recite Quran verses when she was menstruating
    • Muhammad used to fondle Aisha when she was menstruating
    • Muhammad used to suck on Aishas tongue
    • Muhammad French-kissed a little boy
    • Muhammad was baffled that other men were not pedophiles like him
    • Muhammad believed a woman’s silence means consent
    • Muhammad had sex with 9 wives in one night
    • Muhammad was “ridden” by tall black men all night long
    • Muhammad was kissing and cuddling with men
    • Muhammad ordered his followers to bite their father’s penis
  • Muhammad and slavery
    • Muhammad owned slaves
    • Muhammad had a sex slave
    • Muhammad sold slaves
    • Muhammad traded black slaves
  • Muhammad and violence
    • Muhammad physically abused Aisha
    • Muhammad had people assassinated
    • Muhammad mutilated a woman
    • Muhammad personally stoned a woman
    • Muhammad was a terrorist
    • Muhammad tortured people to death
    • Muhammad killed children who had pubic hairs
  • Other things about Muhammad
    • Muhammad is equal to Allah in authority
    • Muhammad is inferior to Moses
    • Muhammad died a pauper
    • Muhammad was worshipped by his contemporaries
    • Muhammad was the first Muslim
    • Allah considered Muhammad the perfect example
  • The death of Muhammad
    • How did Muhammad die?
    • Allah promises to cut off his aorta if he tells a lie
    • Muhammad eats a poisoned lamb
    • Muhammad dies from having his aorta cut
    • What was the last orders of Muhammad to his followers?
    • What was the last words of Muhammad?
    • What was the last action of Muhammad?
• Other important persons
  • Jesus
    • Jesus is free of sin
    • Jesus was not crucified
    • Jesus is Lord along with Allah
    • The First and the Last
    • King of kings
    • King of the Kingdom of Heaven and Earth
    • Will judge mankind
    • Is alive in heaven with Allah
    • Jesus is the Word of Allah and a spirit from him
    • Jesus has the divine powers of Allah
  • Satan
    • Bells are Satanic
    • Donkeys are Satan detectors
    • Satan farts to not hear the call to prayer
    • Satan sleeps in your nostrils
    • Satan pisses in your ear
    • Satan blows air into your butt
    • Satan eats poop
    • Satan eats with his left hand
    • Yawning is Satanic
    • Night prayers ensures satanic possession
    • Satan can’t open lids
    • Satan’s throne is upon the water
• Obvious fraud
  • Allah pampers Muhammad
    • Islam is all about loving Muhammad
    • Unlimited women for Muhammad
    • Free sex for Muhammad
    • Allah annulled adoption so Muhammad could marry his son’s wife
  • Allah follows Muhammad’s will
    • Allah allows Muhammad to attack his enemies
    • Allah changed the Qiblah for Muhammad
  • Allah protects Muhammad
    • Allah gets Muhammads wives off his back for cheating
    • Allah defends Muhammad against accusations of theft
  • Allah protects Muhammad from minor nuisances
    • Dinner instructions
    • Don’t slap your tongue
    • Don’t talk nonsense with Muhammad
• Errors and contradictions
  • Errors
    • Jews think Ezra is the son of Allah
    • The Quran gets the trinity wrong
    • The Quran confuses the Holy Spirit with the Angel Gabriel
    • Christians worship Mary
    • Mary the mother of Jesus is the brother of Aaron
    • Pharao ordered Haman to build the Tower of Babel
    • Pharao threatened people with crucifixion
    • The Israelites were misled by a Samaritan
    • Jesus was not crucified
    • No one was named John before John the Baptist
  • Contradictions
    • Contradicting the Bible
      • Jesus was not crucified
      • Who named the animals?
      • The affliction in Egypt
      • Seeing God
      • How many springs?
      • Breaking the sabbath
      • Raising dead using cow parts
    • Contradicting the Quran
      • The Quran is both clear and unclear
      • Allah forgives all sins / does not forgive all sins
      • Jesus is the Word of Allah, but not Allah
      • Did Allah create the heavens or the earth first?
        • Allah created the heavens before the earth
        • Allah created the earth before the heavens
      • The word of Allah both can’t and can be changed
      • Allah both could and could not have offspring
      • Who forgives sins?
      • How long did it take Allah to create the world?
      • Muhammad did and did not do miracles
      • Are people ransomed from hell or not.
      • Jews are both favoured and not
      • Wine is from Satan but is served in paradise
      • Noah’s sons all survived the flood or not
      • Jinn can not produce something like the Quran, but did produce a whole Surah of the Quran
• Islam's view on religions
  • Islam
    • Apostasy
    • Punishment for apostasy is death
    • Give apostates a chance to repent, and if they don’t, kill them
    • A man was beheaded for apostasy
    • End time fake Muslims foretold
    • Islam is a strange serpent receding into its hole
    • Islam means following Muhammad
    • View of non-Muslims
    • Leaving Islam
    • Backgammon is forbidden
    • Stoning is monkey business
    • Who resembles a Jew or Christian can not be a Muslim
    • Islam will split into 73 sects
  • Non-Muslims, Jews and Christians
    • Do not befriend non-muslims
    • Do not insult unbelievers
    • Bully Jews and Christians
    • Jews and Christians to be expelled from Arabia
    • Jews and Christians who don’t accept Islam go to hell
    • Jews and Christians are worth half as much as Muslims
    • Muslims should listen to and learn from Christians and Jews
    • Jizya
    • Jews
      • Allah favors Jews
      • Allah ordained that Israel would live in the holy land
      • A tribe of Israelites were turned into rats
      • Jews are equal to asses and pigs
      • The verse Muslims use to lie that Islam is peaceful
      • Islam’s Final Solution to the Jewish Question
    • Christians
      • Christians must judge by the Gospel
      • Allah promised that Christians will be superior until judgment day
• Holy books
  • The Bible
    • The Quran confirms the Bible
    • The Torah is the word of Allah
    • The Quran says the Gospel confirms the Torah
    • The Quran confirms the Bible
    • Christians and Jews must observe the Bible
    • Christians must judge by the gospel
  • The Quran
    • Clear and unclear
    • The Quran is only meant for the Arabs
    • Non-arabs predicted to not believe
    • The original Quranic manuscripts were burned
    • The Quran was foretold in the Bible
    • Proof of inspiration
    • No one can change the word of Allah
    • The word of Allah CAN be changed
    • The Quran is not perfectly preserved
      • Allah foretold that the Quran wouldn’t be perfectly preserved
      • The Quran was corrupted even during Muhammad’s lifetime
      • Two chapters of the Quran were forgotten
      • Even Muhammad forgot what the Quran said
      • Verses of the Quran were eaten by a sheep
    • Chapters of the Quran could be ordered on demand
    • Denying a Quran verse makes you a kafir
    • Denying a Quran verse is a capital offense
    • Muslims shouldn’t bring the Quran to enemy lands
    • A Christian wrote the Quran
    • The Quran is alive and will intercede on judgment day
  • Verses where the Quran affirms the Bible
• Islam and Science
  • Cosmology
    • The Whale Nun
    • There are 7 heavens and 7 earths
    • Earth is flat
  • Hygiene, health and food
    • Muslims aren’t allowed to urinate standing
    • Muslims aren’t allowed to urinate in water
    • Muslims aren’t allowed to urinate in holes
    • Muslims aren’t allowed to urinate towards the qibla
    • Dogs would urinate in the mosque and no one would clean it up
    • People used to urinate in the mosque
    • Don’t come to mosque with garlic breath
    • Don’t sleep on your stomach
    • Wigs are forbidden
    • Fevers cleanses sins
    • Muslims should dip flies in their drinks
    • Eat food from the ground and lick your fingers
    • The coccyx does not decay
    • The earth existed before space
    • The earth is flat
    • The sky can fall down
    • Sperm comes from between the backbone and the ribs
    • The sun sets in a muddy spring
    • The sun might rise from the west
    • What determines if a child looks like its mother or father?
    • The urine of boys and girls are different
    • Non-Muslims eats in seven intestines, Muslims in one
    • Gestation
    • Mosquito wings carry both diseases and cures
    • The cure for sciatica is sheep’s fat
    • Repeating an incantation 7 times can cure anything except death
    • 7 dates protects against poison
• General Islamic Theology
  • Adam
    • Adam was 60 cubits tall
  • Angels
    • Angels are afraid of dogs and pictures
  • Death
    • Grieving tortures the deceased
  • Hell
    • Murder victims go to hell
    • All people go to hell
    • Hell can think and speak
  • Jinn
    • Jinn can be Muslims
  • The Kaaba and Qiblah
    • The Muslims used to pray toward Jerusalem
    • Peeing towards the Qiblah
    • Pooping toward the Qiblah
    • The Black stone
      • The black stone absorbs sins
      • Muhammad touched the black stone
      • Kissing the stone is idolatry
  • Paradise
    • All fruit looks the same in paradise
    • Paradise dwellers don’t poop but belch and sweat musk
    • Paradise dwellers will have large-eyed houris
    • Paradise dwellers will be about 30 years old
    • Paradise dwellers will be 38 meters tall
    • Huge tree
    • There are 7 heavens
    • Paradise can think and speak
  • Prayer
    • Looking up while praying makes you go blind
    • Raising your head before the Imam while praying turns it into a donkey head
    • Prayer is nullified by donkeys, black dogs and women
    • Muslims pray to Muhammad
  • Resurrection
    • The hour of resurrection
  • Salvation
    • Muslims are saved by works
    • Jews and Christians are also saved
    • No ransom will be accepted for another person
    • Ransomed from hell by Jews and Christians
    • The Quran will come and intercede
    • Muhammad can save
    • Muhammad can NOT save
    • The black stone will intercede
    • Muhammad will intercede for those dying in Medina
    • Invading India or being Christian ensures salvation
    • Memorising the 99 names of Allah ensures salvation
    • Being sick or injured cleanses from sins
    • Having three dead children saves
    • Paradise and hell can intercede
  • Sin
    • Allah predetermines adultery
    • Who forgives sins?
      • Only Allah forgives sins
      • But Muhammad also forgives sins
• Islam's morality
  • Divorce
  • Intoxicants
    • Intoxicants (wine) is one of the blessings of Allah
    • Wine is from Satan
    • Allah serves wine in Paradise
    • If someone drinks wine they should be flogged to death
  • Lying
    • Three situations in which you can lie
    • You can break an oath if you have a better alternative
    • Allah has ordained for the breaking of oaths
    • Breaking an oath comes with ridiculously trivial consequences
  • Music and poetry
    • Music and sinning is a sin
      • Poetry is a sin
  • Racism
    • Blacks are worth half as much
    • Black people were created for hell
    • Those condemned by Allah turns black
    • Black people symbolize disease
    • Turks look like their faces were hit with a hammer
    • Ethiopians have heads like raisins
    • Use of racist slurs
    • Muhammad didn’t like black dogs
    • Black dogs are satanic
  • Sex and rape
    • Rape
      • Captured women may be freely raped
      • Impregnating rape victims is of no concern
    • Muslims men can have sex slaves
  • Slavery
    • Runaway slaves lack protection
    • Gifting slaves is better than freeing them
    • Value of slaves
    • Black slaves are worth half of Arab slaves
    • You may flog your slaves (and your wife)
    • Slaves should be flogged for sins
  • Theft
    • Plundering is ok if no one is watching
  • Violence and Jihad
    • Standing orders to fight the world
      • What triggered Jihad
      • Fight the unbelievers until they convert
      • “Kill unbelievers wherever you find them”
      • Behead enemies
      • Behead unbelievers
      • Terrorizing and killing unbelievers
    • View on violence and terrorism
      • Fighting is the second best deed in Islam
      • Jihadis are rewarded with booty and paradise
      • Those who die for Allah are the best of people
      • The best jihad is where blood is shed
      • Allah likes terrorists more than peaceful Muslims
      • Fighting is obligatory for Muslims
      • Muslims not fighting are hypocrites
      • Muslims not fighting for Islam are punished with hell
      • Killing disbelievers guarantees immunity from hell
    • View on those who resist Islamic violence
      • Resisting Islam is severely punished
      • Even stones will help jihadists to kill Jews
    • Muslims can indiscriminately kill innocent civilians
• Islam's view of women
  • Violence against women
    • Wife beating is allowed in Islam
    • Never ask why a man beats his wife
    • Flogging your wife is ok as long as you don’t have sex with her afterwards
    • Muhammad insults victims of domestic abuse
    • Abu Bakr hit Aisha
    • Muhammad hit Aisha
    • No women has it worse than Muslim women
  • Sexual abuse
    • Women should be circumcised
    • Women are to be plowed like a field
    • Wives must always be ready to please their husbands
    • Allah curses women who don’t sleep with their husbands
    • Islam allows child marriage
    • Temporary marriages allowed
    • Captured women’s marriage annulled
  • Opresive rules
    • Women wearing perfume are adulteresses
    • Women are cursed for plucking their eyebrows, getting tattoos, or orthodontics
  • Wigs are forbidden
  • General view on women
    • Most people in hell are women
    • Women are “deficient in intelligence”
    • The testimony of a woman is worth half that of a man
    • Women are “deficient in religion”
    • Women are equal to donkeys, dogs and pigs
    • Women are a source of trouble
    • Women are devils
    • Men are not allowed to wash themselves with the same water a woman has used
    • Women must cover everything but their faces and hands
• Everyday life as a muslim
  • How to treat animals
    • Owning a dog gives you minus points
    • Kill all dogs
    • Kill all lizards
  • Minutiae
    • How to breathe while drinking
    • Don’t hold your penis with the right hand
    • Don’t wear only one shoe
    • Don’t tie your shoe while standing
    • Don’t make pictures
    • Don’t throw pebbles
    • How to do your toilet
    • Muslims must dye their hair
    • Don’t drink or eat while standing, or you have to vomit
    • Don’t eat with your left hand
• Weird stuff
  • “The eyes are the leather strap of the anus”
  • Muhammad comforted a crying date palm
  • Moses had his clothes stolen by a stone
  • Unbelievers visiting a mosque will go to hell
  • Muslims living abroad goes to hell
  • Snakes in houses may be demons who converted to islam
  • A deathbed convert couldn’t be buried
  • Don’t sit between the sun and shade
  • Relieve sexual awkwardness by suckling breasts